more about me

Last Wednesday night, my friends and I went to a poetry performance in Pasar Seni. For me, it was great! It was really unexpected as I have no idea of how boring it would be. I went to the show after a last-minute decision when I realized that I just needed to watch it, or at least experience a bit of it. When all of us, students were first informed about the poetry, I was almost not at all interested in the idea. Although that day, in the examination room, I sat just a millimetre away from the whiteboard, I did not bother to crane my neck a bit to look at the notice written on the board. Even so, I just did, but only to make sure whether the ‘Polar Bear’ I just heard, was spelt like one. I convinced Tati to go too, in a not-very-convincing way so that I have some company. To summarise every little detail up, I’ll just mention some here. As I had never been to a real poetry show before, I was surprised to see how they frightened me. It was my first judgement of the whole show because the first recitation was..rather surprising that I wanted to flee from the room. But then, I was enjoying myself more when I saw the performances by Steven, a.k.a. Polar Bear and Rafique Rashid. They were hilarious and I had a hard time controlling my laughter.
When I came back after the show, I was still excited about poetry but when came the next day, I just don’t understand myself when I can’t bear to listen to any poetry at all. Tati had just finished some poetry she did just for fun. She handed me the paper which had figurative words on it. I did not read them. Instead, I just stared and when I can’t stare anymore, I hid the paper underneath a book. For the whole day, I can’t figure out why I acted so. Back when I was in my secondary school, I used to write poetries with my best friend. I think that the experience would be really helpful for my studies this year, but on the contrary, I am acting the exact opposite way towards the thing that I once loved. I really respected those who have passion to what they are doing, but sometimes, I just can’t get interested in what they have achieved successfully. Take poetry for instance.
When I ponder upon things sometimes, I was astonished how my life had change ever since I lived away from whom I used to spend every single moment with. I know everyone else has or had experience it, but like always, some things only happen to a particular individual. Usually, my sisters and I just could not leave home for a long period of time because we had the feeling that things would go wrong if not terribly, at home, where all our loved ones remain. None of us sisters ever stayed in a school hostel before, because none of us wanted it and my mother also never wished for anything like that to happen. If possible, my mother would want each one of her daughters to home-school and get herself a job which does not require her to stay away from us.
My state is almost like that of the guy in one of Polar Bear’s poetry which was about the guy who pretended to be in pursuit of his dreams and his mother did actually believe him. Having the same feeling of guilt as he did, I was determined to make my hopes and dreams true, to make those of my mother’s come true too. I was hardworking when I was in school and my SPM results was quite good, but both my parents and I know that I could do better. I want to prove it this year but first, I have to get rid of the laziness I have in me in order to keep myself started and keep going.
Here, I tried to study whenever I can, to be at least as good as my friends are. Last semester, I was extremely disappointed of my results. Things became worse during the meeting between parents and lecturers regarding the results. What was even worse is that the two persons that came with me on that day, was not my real parents. It was not that I was ashamed to them that hurt me so much, it was my patience that almost killed me. I was shuddering trying to face the facts that I was among the worst, and trying to hold back my tears in presence of the strangers before me. Now, I wonder if I can survive on my own in the future. I can only try with all the little I might and pray to God for the greatest miracle so that things would not be so bad after all.