nothing really...

Something is happening at my home now and I know I need to go home immediately. The last time I called my little sister, she was lonely and scared. Why, by the time I came back here, things started to go terribly wrong? I would fly all the way home if I had wings. That’s what people always wished for when they just had to be elsewhere. I just decided to go home when my mom told me not to, because things are ‘all okay’ already. To believe her this time would not be a very wise thing to do and the best thing to do was just to pretend you do because you just had to obey. Both of them are practically the same thing actually. I was agitated till my little sister called me again and said everything is truly quite okay now. I calmed down a bit more when I learnt that my big sister will be going home this weekend. There are still a lot others who are willing to help the problem at home and I really thank God for it.

I knew for a fact that some words are originally from the Greek myths, but I don’t know that those words don’t just mean a noun or a verb, but an event. For example the word, “tantalize”, and “narcissism”. I am very interested and curious about the tales. So I did a small research on it and read the story on the Wikipedia. Oh, my God!!! Look at all those names! Names of people, gods, creatures and godly stuff. I actually found myself a headache. But anyway, any information is always good enough for my entertainment. The problem is, I am a person who gets weary easily when I have too much too see.

I never thought that performing chemical experiments in the laboratory can be much of a danger. I am used to carrying out simple experiments during my secondary school and that you don’t have to be cautious excessively. Nothing ever goes wrong and it never will, presumably. When I first did my chemical experiment here, for my Year 12, I still didn’t take things for granted. I read the warnings about hazardous chemicals thoroughly but the rest I did it superficially. That was when my all my experiments started to go awry and ablaze. I still had the scar due to the flame, till now. After that, I learnt my lesson and read every warning and instruction in the manual at least three times.

I went to Pulau Langkawi a couple of years ago, and my family and I took a ride in the cable car. At first I thought that it would be really stupid of someone if he/she declined to take the ride. If you are scared of heights anyway, you shouldn’t blow up the chance of trying it after all the way here. I stepped into the gondola without the slightest thought or worry. I enjoyed the view when the thing started to go up. Then, when I realized, “Oh, this journey to the top is going to be a long one”. It’s not only long actually, but a scary one too. 100% of everything in the gondolas would be finished off in no time if the cables snapped. This is after all one of the steepest cable car in the world. “God!!! I am actually creating the chance of my own death!!” I’m petrified of it and now one of the fools who would refuse the ride.

down, down..

This week is quite relaxing and so was the last. I managed to enjoy what I studied and to sleep peacefully. I watched a lot of anime and I also did my homework. I thought this is what I have been waiting for so long - a good relaxing time. But it actually is not. I want something I can’t have right now or any other time in the world. Being difficult in wanting impossible stuff really breaks my heart. Then I would pour everything to my darling little sister who is the only one I can force to listen to my wailings. I would say, “I’m having a heart attack. A heart attack. Please.. save me.” “huh??”, she would always respond. If she continues in saying “huh?” then I would scream into the phone under a pillow so that nobody in the room I am in, would get distracted. I am so sorry, but would you want to see what will become of me in the end if you ignore me constantly, sis?

I wished for something really badly, some weeks ago. I was overjoyed when my prayers came true. Although it was not a promise, there was hope for the initially-impossible event. I am still hoping for it to come true. While this wish is slowly coming true and comforting me in the process, I am wishing for something else. I am spoiling myself that I would cry my heart out wanting for it so badly. Just that this time, I don’t know what is it that I want exactly. Humans are always greedy and I am no different.

I am very weak in understanding poetic things although sometimes I am being one myself. English classes are always hard for me. Especially lately. I am so sorry that I was always irresponsive in discussions about literature. I actually don’t really get what they were saying in those figurative or literal texts. Leave alone the questions given by Mr Derick. I am always wondering stupidly in the blank empty mind of mine. Of course I want to be able to answer questions but how can I when I don’t even understand what I read in the first place? My brain is often jammed in English classes. Things happen even when you don’t want it to. Maybe I don’t try harder yet, is it?

It’s true that the things which you dislike are (often) actually good for you and the things which you like are (often) actually bad for you. There are loads of things which you can take examples of in your own daily life. I have mine obviously. I have written a lot about the impossible things I have been wishing for in many of my last posts. One question – how do you get over it?

I think I am a person whose actions are easily influenced by her moods. Take this post for instance. This is the fifth paragraph and still I am talking the same thing basically. Sometimes I feel like to pretend to be lost consciousness and to lose my senses so that I can go crazy in myself for a while. I did this sort of thing when I was in secondary school but it was just for fun. Nothing serious. I was extremely sleepy in class that I would have myself excused to the ‘sick bay’ with the excuse of being ‘sick’, so that I could have a short nap. It’s not a good thing to do but I think it’s better than to force yourself to study through the headache you’ll be getting as the result of extreme lack of sleep. I wish I could just do what my heart wants but it’s better for the world for having me not to. It’s just too destructive.

rainy day

It was a damp morning last Friday. It was raining a bit heavier than a drizzle. The clouds were grey and heavy and they looked like they were reluctant to pour out all the things they were supposed to. The wind was blowing cold. Even the inside of the car felt cold from the air-conditioner. I was rushing like usual and these little rushes always make me sweat as if I have been running all morning. I had the thought that I smelt funny due to the damp from the outside rain and the damp of the sweat inside my shirt. I was a bit out of breath waiting for the slow elevator to fetch me up, when I saw Mr Derick. I said something which I hadn’t thought of the meaning, to him. Then he said, “No. It’s not a very good morning is it?” I thought I was the only one who was feeling all damp and yucky all the way to class, till I realized each of every single soul around me was feeling the same thing. And so, the morning class was so damp that my body and mind went dawdling all through the morning classes.

Last Monday, we had our Chemistry Exam. It was terrible. At first, I was quite eager to do it because I thought I am able to answer it quite well. But now, I regret that. I am almost 100% sure that my marks will not be at all enough. Maybe I lacked exercises. There was just enough time to complete the paper, not including checking it. I had half a minute left when I spotted a major error in my calculations. Oh, my GOD!!!! Half a minute is never enough to correct that kind of mistake. What is worse was that, the error occurred at the beginning of the calculations, so I don’t doubt that the steps following the wrong part are all WRONG. At the end of the paper, I was speculating the marks I will be getting for the paper. Thinking about that made me sick all of a sudden. I hope it is not too bad..

Last Friday, we had our Physics class. We were learning the new chapter about magnetic flux. Ms Say tried to make us recall what had we learnt about the chapter from Mr Chee last year. None of us made much response. Ms Say was really worried that the bridging programme we did would be a waste. I don’t know about the others but as I was the lowest achiever last year, I don’t understand much about whatever I was learning. I only kept quiet and only attempted to answer a bit in my heart. This year, I think I am making some differences and I hope I would be making miracles throughout this year so that I could make it through this course successfully.

In my hometown, there are lots and lots of trees on both sides of the road. This might be a typical view in Malaysia but something is different here at my place. Hundreds of flowers bloom on each tree once or twice a year here. The flowers are either white, purple, pink or any combination colours of the three. They are blooming right now, on the tall trees along Jalan Langgar. I’m not sure if other places also have this specialty but I have never seen any more intense flower season in any other place in Malaysia than what it is here. The sight is so spectacular that it reminded me of the cherry blossoms in Japan.

My friends and I are so relieved right now because we have finished our exams and our oral tests. The last two weeks had been a rough time. Although we still have more tests ahead of us, we still feel like it is an independence day for us and we couldn’t explain that feeling. I grabbed this chance of celebration feeling to go home, while my friends had a picnic in a garden near the One Utama complex. I wish I could join them but I longed for home more than anything else.

One Saturday night, my sister and I were rushing for our music practice. My mom cooked some fried rice with eggs and hotdogs, a typical recipe of hers. She cooked a whole large wok of it so, I insisted on not having any yet as there’ll be plenty left when I get back soon. When she persuaded me to have some before I go, I just obeyed. We took some on the way there, in the car. When the practise was over, I was so into mom’s fried rice. Suddenly, we discovered that the wok was almost empty. Very little of the rice was left and the hotdogs were all gone. My mom then figured out it must be the cats’ doing. I cried out so loud because my dinner was gone, that my mom consoled me by giving me a whole new tin of Danish butter cookies. I then scolded my big sister for not covering the wok after she had taken her part of the dinner.