down, down..

This week is quite relaxing and so was the last. I managed to enjoy what I studied and to sleep peacefully. I watched a lot of anime and I also did my homework. I thought this is what I have been waiting for so long - a good relaxing time. But it actually is not. I want something I can’t have right now or any other time in the world. Being difficult in wanting impossible stuff really breaks my heart. Then I would pour everything to my darling little sister who is the only one I can force to listen to my wailings. I would say, “I’m having a heart attack. A heart attack. Please.. save me.” “huh??”, she would always respond. If she continues in saying “huh?” then I would scream into the phone under a pillow so that nobody in the room I am in, would get distracted. I am so sorry, but would you want to see what will become of me in the end if you ignore me constantly, sis?

I wished for something really badly, some weeks ago. I was overjoyed when my prayers came true. Although it was not a promise, there was hope for the initially-impossible event. I am still hoping for it to come true. While this wish is slowly coming true and comforting me in the process, I am wishing for something else. I am spoiling myself that I would cry my heart out wanting for it so badly. Just that this time, I don’t know what is it that I want exactly. Humans are always greedy and I am no different.

I am very weak in understanding poetic things although sometimes I am being one myself. English classes are always hard for me. Especially lately. I am so sorry that I was always irresponsive in discussions about literature. I actually don’t really get what they were saying in those figurative or literal texts. Leave alone the questions given by Mr Derick. I am always wondering stupidly in the blank empty mind of mine. Of course I want to be able to answer questions but how can I when I don’t even understand what I read in the first place? My brain is often jammed in English classes. Things happen even when you don’t want it to. Maybe I don’t try harder yet, is it?

It’s true that the things which you dislike are (often) actually good for you and the things which you like are (often) actually bad for you. There are loads of things which you can take examples of in your own daily life. I have mine obviously. I have written a lot about the impossible things I have been wishing for in many of my last posts. One question – how do you get over it?

I think I am a person whose actions are easily influenced by her moods. Take this post for instance. This is the fifth paragraph and still I am talking the same thing basically. Sometimes I feel like to pretend to be lost consciousness and to lose my senses so that I can go crazy in myself for a while. I did this sort of thing when I was in secondary school but it was just for fun. Nothing serious. I was extremely sleepy in class that I would have myself excused to the ‘sick bay’ with the excuse of being ‘sick’, so that I could have a short nap. It’s not a good thing to do but I think it’s better than to force yourself to study through the headache you’ll be getting as the result of extreme lack of sleep. I wish I could just do what my heart wants but it’s better for the world for having me not to. It’s just too destructive.