Tuesday, July 28, 2009

why is it so hard to talk to each other & how to break down the expressional wall??

Why is it so hard for you to talk? If someone asks me that, I’ll say, “what for? I talk when I only need to”. Basically, I think that talking has not much effect. Not all kinds of talking. Educational talk is one major exception, of course. If you talk a lot just to persuade or to give an idea to a person, does that guarantee that the person understands it? Or even heard you? In my own personal experiences, I found that talking does not solve a problem much. For example, when I was little, my parents always scolded me whenever I did anything wrong. For me, their nagging and talking were just a waste of time. Usually, I realized that their words were actually a good piece of advice, but being very egoistic, I ‘reminded’ myself that my parents were actually being jealous of my fun life. Soon, I discovered that by plugging my ears to keep all those clattering words from entering, I was able to keep myself below my boiling point. Realizing that scolding alone is not sufficient to teach their daughter about the real world, they resort to physical discipline. I hated it for sure, but those things sure make me a human in this real life.

The same goes for the story “A Thousand Years of Good Prayers”. The father gives advices and sometimes even a little bit of scolding to his daughter whenever he thinks she needs it, whenever she behaves in a way which he dislikes. The daughter does not respond much to the lecture because she thinks that the father is only being over-reacting to her way of life and being over-controlling her adult life. She is a grown-up, so she thinks that she understands her own self better. She also does not bother to defend herself because she knew that her father would not be getting the message she is trying to convey to him. She is aware of the huge language barrier and the generational gap between them. To sum up, people do not talk much because they knew that there’s not much that can be done through talking alone especially if the other party is not willing or does not intend to listen.

The second point is that, people lack the exact words and phrases which are able to express a feeling or emotion exactly. As the world moves on, people are getting more and more selfish with their own personal goals, wealth and recognition. They spend their lives blindly without much effort trying to get to know the spiritual side of life. They do not care about being nice to others and trying to make other people’s life a bit easier. Indirectly, they are actually running away from emotion and feelings. That explains why feelings are rarely discussed between two parties. Then, being lack in familiarity with expressive words, messages or ideas related to emotion, are very hard to be planted into other people’s understanding. Modern movies including this story obviously show that words are not meant to express a feeling. In romance films, lovers confess their love by affectionate and caring acts, not by words. The only words found are only “I love you”. In action movies in which two guys hate each other so much to the extent where they sworn to have their enemy’s head on a spike before they themselves die, words are not used to show their true loathing. Instead, they go on hot pursuits to physically express their hatred towards their foes.

If not with words, then what is the way which we could be more expressive and break down the wall of expressions? My strong opinion would be taking time to express and to let time help to break the emotional barrier little by little. I feel that it’s never easy to express a feeling the right way. For instance, to know how a person feels about us, let time show how he/she can act accordingly. Words do help to convey feelings, but not much. Things that are more said than done does not have the real effect it should. Maybe spending time with each other helps to strengthen and widen the expressive vocabulary. I believe that if one tries hard enough to convey his/her feelings to other people, he/she will succeed in the end, even if only words are used.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I was born in a family, a large one, with three funny sisters and one normal brother. My three normal sisters were born quite a while after I have grown big. I have one normal mom and a funny one. My dad was normal like me. Normal people are normal. Funny people are strange. They’re so big and brown and they have excellent ability in balancing between two legs! I was always scared of them but I loved them so dearly and so did they. My mom gave me milk so that I can grow big and strong, and handsome too. When I was growing, my strange family gave me food and shelter and surely lots and lots of love. Scolding and spanking were never conditional and that was one form of love which I didn’t quite understand at first.

In my family, there was this one weird girl who kept calling me hers. I never understood as I was aware that I belong to everyone equally. After some time, I realized this so called ‘mine’. But I did not belong to this particular girl, but to a different one instead. This one never mentioned anything about making me hers but I grew up to be so strong and so happy because of her. She would hang out with me alone so many times in a day, leaving behind all my stupid siblings babbling nonsense among each other. One thing that I really excelled in was jumping. I could jump really high that sometimes, I could even jump over my giant loving girlfriend with only one huge leap, thanks to my strong, muscular legs, and of course this girl.

I was not very sure about the changing feeling around my home but I felt it alright. My dear twin brother who was very close to me stayed further and further away from me each day. Maybe because he had a funny girlfriend. Hmm... that’s possible. But I had two! Hahahaa. This I could show off. My dad was always busy involving himself in fights which he described as for the purpose of defending land rights. How busy he was, he noticed something ‘evil’ in me. He began to lecture me all day and all night that my mom had to interfere so that everyone could have some real rest. My baby sisters were gossiping things about me while my twin brother said nothing but distanced himself away from me as far as he could.

Maybe all of them were overly jealous of my size, my strength, my ability, my popularity and my good looks. But then, I realized that my strange family also began to dislike me, even my two special sisters. Are they not happy with what I had become? I’m perfect! When things get really really awkward and I really really hated it, I began to voice out. Everyone seem to plug their ears from listening to me so I began to rebel. I made my baby sisters scared till they cried. I even create a conflict with my twin brother. Although he never seemed to be interested in fights, I forced him to do till my dad had to break us apart. Then after that, I hated my dad. I also showed how monstrous I could become to others in front of my great strange family, including my two girlfriends.

Why not things stay the way they were? I’m still me. Just, stronger and greater. Why don’t you all just accept the fact?

One day, one seriously wrong day, I was called upon my great mother, the head of the family. “Blechy, we’re going to take you out for some fresh air. Somewhere not very far from here. You’d like it wouldn’t you?” Then, she smiled an obvious fake smile while my dear two sisters started to sob.

Wait. Something is not right. Something is definitely wrong and I didn’t know what..

-will be continued-

Saturday, June 27, 2009


We had poetry sessions during this whole week. Although I’m not very keen about the idea, I’m actually quite thankful to have been forced to join this poetry session. It might seem that I hate learning poetry with all my might but the truth is, I don’t really do, in fact, I loved poetry once and I would make one or more each day with my best friend. We would write poems and read each others’ and not commenting about it. Instead, we enjoyed each little bits and pieces of the poems that were created by our own wish. I only hate poetry to the point when things are getting extremely excessive for me to handle. That’s why, when it comes to voting the best poetry, I’d choose which seem more natural, maybe I should say ‘more neutral the recitation’. However, I seriously appreciate the talents of those who are able to do emotion acting and other sorts of acting which need a lot of commitment and guts.

The poem called “Something really Something” is the first poem I’ve ever written in 4 years. I took almost one whole day to create that piece. Not only that, I also wasted a lot of time thinking and being stressed over that piece. I had headache as a result of intense thinking and that made all the process even harder and slower. Finally at 1am, I completed it. I admit that it’s not that good at all. It’s very typical but it didn’t disappoint me much because the poem is true. It might sound to be a lot exaggerated but not really actually. I was only telling the story of my real life in other forms of words. ‘If’ you want to know what was I referring the poem to, it’s a cat.

Most of the poems that I ever heard in my entire life are about misery. Yes, all of the pieces are good including those which are created by my friends. They make people feel sad and cry. I admit that that is one of the aspects that make a poem a good one. But I’ve had enough of that in my life. I’ve enough sadness, enough despair and grief. I’m sorry but I can’t take any anymore. Sometimes, I feel that good poems corrode what’s left inside me. I’m not writing anymore.

I understand that billions of people are suffering more than I do. But still, I can’t bear mine. I pray for the others to endure theirs in patience and faith and always be strong.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

music and fate II

6th seriously one of the best news of all:

We usually had only our teacher to conduct our small orchestra. But this time, we’re receiving another one! I was told that someone important is going to be present for the show but not that he is going to conduct us! All of us were introduced to Brian Tan, the Resident Conductor of the KLPAC.

We were also told that he is a brilliant musician. He had achieved a great number of accomplishments both locally and internationally. He used to conduct the first violins team in what orchestra, I’m not sure. But I’m sure that is extremely superb! He is conducting us for a few songs out of the 11. It was a wonderful experience to have him taught us a bit about playing good music. I just can’t simply put them to words. Even my facial expressions fail to show how I felt. It was simply great and brilliant. Some of the songs were required to be played at top speeds. I was struggling so hard to catch up. Some songs need lazy and romantic feelings so, we had to play the notes in a ‘sliding’ manner. He was extremely funny in how he expressed himself in order to teach us and to deliver the exact message to us. My stomach hurt so much that if no one was around, I’d be rolling on the ground trying to get over his jokes. We only had less than two days in which we spent time learning with him.

I was quite disappointed that all of us actually had only less than 24 hours time with him. But as I think again, I’m quite thankful for things to be so because this wonderful feeling inside us wouldn’t exist if otherwise, would it?

Overall, I’m so thankful to have learnt music. Not just learning, but learning in a precious way, having my teacher as my teacher and my friends as my friends. I’m also thankful to God who had arranged everything so perfect the timing, I was able to enjoy myself to the limit before officially leaving my music and this way, I’m not that overwhelmed that I’m not able to continue with my studies. I was anticipating myself breaking at this point because this is the point where my real troubles (music as well as other problem) come to meet one another and I would not have the strength to welcome them. But God had fixed one of the problems so meticulously and brilliantly that the other black problems seemed to have faded away slowly together with the first black one.

Thank you God.. ^_^

music and fate

I went to my former music class this morning to get something from my teacher. There was one boy whom I know practicing on his violin in a half glass-walled room in which also my teacher was in. He was playing a song which my little sister just started to learn. I was surprised to learn that the dexterous boy’s grade is not so far as my quite inept sister’s. She was delighted when she knew this but I said, “your grades don’t matter. Your experience does.” “I’ll be like him in the future,” replied my sis. “How future? I bet it’s VERY future,” I argued. She slanted her eyes to me and said in full of dimmed wickedness, “You? No future..” “... .......... ~_~” “HAHAHAHAAAA!!!” I was taken aback by the truth of the heartless statement. It felt like as if a lightning was literally striking through my heart. I was ripped. TRUE. Isn’t it?

Anyway... I am so so so thankful to God for the reality of the almost hopeless hope I hoped for. In February, my little sis informed me about the music concert my teacher will be holding soon. I was devastated because I knew there’s no way I can join it. Not because someone didn’t let me. It was the timing. About half a month later, I saw our study schedule on my friend’s locker. Then I immediately checked the dates of the show and our study holidays. PERFECT!!! Just Perfect! I’ll go home on the 5th of June – the last day of our mid year’s exams. The shows will be held on the 6th and the 7th June! Wow! There was a glint of hope in me. Two three weeks later, during the weekends, I went home to take my violin here to KL so that I could prepare for the concert. I have my studies to cope up with but I still make way for my music.

That was one good news. This is another one. My sis informed me that this show will be held in an auditorium. Waaa.... Another glint of dream struck me. This means that this show is gonna be a bit grander than before – because the previous concerts were held in a small hall-like hotel dining room.

3rd good news: “Why so many scores?” I asked my sis. “Because.. this is gonna be OUR show. Not the small children’s.” “Are you serious? You mean.. OUR show??” “Uh-huh” Good!! In the previous concerts, there were only few scores which our small symphony orchestra can play because we had to allocate some time for the ‘trivial’ kids to perform their show. (I'm kinda selfish, am I not?) So.. instead of playing only about 5 short songs like before, we’re gonna play 11! Now, that is worth the effort! Plus, the show’s gonna be held for two nights in a row, so that’s the 4th good news.

1st bad news – This arrived not long before the date of the concert. My big sister will not be able to attend the show as she’ll be having this SUKSIS thing of hers. Pity her..because she was also developing some kind of skin disorder that was so irritating.

5th good news: My big sis is gonna make it after all! That SUKSIS event thingy had been cancelled!

2nd bad news: The SUKSIS event was decided to be held on the original date. So, my big sis can’t attend. Again. Let’s just assume that the 5th good news and the 2nd bad news did not exist.

2nd real bad news. On the 5th of June, when I will be on my way home, will be a simple rehearsal for the concert. Oh, I’m sure I’m gonna be pretty exhausted after the 5 1/2-hour journey! I don’t want to go for the practice! “I think you should come. Have pity on teacher, please,” advised my little sis.

5th real good news: “Oh Mia, teacher just cancelled the practice. So we can go have dinner at Pizza Hut with mom and Along,” my sis told me. Thank God.. My big sis is departing the next day. That means that I won’t be able to stay long with my Along.

6th seriously one of the best news of all: ___________

I’ll write in my next post-lah.. ^_^ HEhehehe....

moms and aura

Studying hard is always hard for me because I was not used to pushing my head to memorise and understand hundreds of facts, concepts and other sorts of things in one whole day. AUSMAT has been a great challenge to me and it has changed a lot of things in me since – both good and bad. The good thing is, like the rest of my comrades might have long realized, it has occupied a good portion of our limited, fixed time given to us each day. It’s good when you don’t have to force yourself to sleep or prepare snacks because you don’t know what else to do. Without AUSMAT, I would be spending a great deal of my time relaxing too much and watching TV while nibbling away everything that could be nibbled. Relaxing is good but it harms when it’s overdone.

A big proportion of the things which I thought are the bad things I have gotten since AUSMAT has taken its toll on me, is probably just ‘bad’ because I don’t like it. Things I detest so much does not mean that they are harmful in my life. Maybe I have to bear in mind that we go through hardships to reach anyplace at all, right? Nothing is an exception. I have to lose something at least for a while to get something of equal or of larger importance. Some of the things that I have to give up are my commitment to, are drawing and music. Thinking too much about problems about them can drive me crazy sometimes. I think of the things I could learn more about/in these crazes of mine. I’ve fallen so far behind that I don’t dare to trip anymore. Now, while I am studying for my AUSMAT, I’ve been tripping, falling on my knees and back on my feet all over and over again. I’m tired of trying it the hard way – the way which I’m not able to avoid. Maybe I have to bear it for a while..

My mom says that an excellent person is one who never stays so quietly for even a while, even while the person is resting. Something must be going on in his mind, revolving, churning, racing. There is always something he wants to do in every moment of the day. There’s no one second to waste. My mom is very active, in my opinion. Even that I have lived with her my entire life, I’m still not tired with her enthusiasm. I am always amazed with her energy around the house. One question: Do you ‘sometimes’ feel to want some time alone without your parents around? I do. Several times before, I tried to enjoy myself to the fullest whenever I’m alone at home or only having my sisters around. I thought I was having a great time but something was always missing and it’s a big flaw. My mom has a kind of magnificent aura that she exerts all over our home, be it scary kinda magnificent or the pleasant kind. In all, my mom is vital for me. I think she’s eligible for the excellent people thingy. She scares and amazes me all at the same time. I don’t want to go into the details of how the precarious aura attacks me. ‘It makes me sweat’.

Anyway, how does she do that? Do moms always do?

all strange & weird II

... he lurched forward and fell into the dirt which was lying between us. I looked at the patch of mud pool and saw that it was quite a pretty good trap. The boy got up as soon as his whole body sprawled around in the muddy dirt. I was afraid to think he would charge out towards us to continue what he wanted to do – cut us into pieces. Instead, he scrambled to his feet and ran back to where the five weird children were standing with their bikes, waiting for the evil deed to be done.

I then realized what he might be thinking. I shouted out to them while the rest were fleeing with the shirtless boy, “Yeah, you all better run if you want to save yourselves! I’ve lots of traps laid out, ready to get you! Come back here if you dare!” ‘What the *%#@ is this big sis babbling about?’ wondered the faces of my little sis and my neighbour. I didn’t answer instead I smiled proudly having successfully driven all the crazy weirdos away. I marched forward to the little gate to see where they were running to or disappeared to.

Without thinking, I took one proud stride and ‘swooosh!’ went me into ‘my’ mud trap. I found myself lying in the dirt, dirty and scratched. My dress was covered with dirt, mud, dead leaves, tiny pebbles and peculiar smell, probably some small animals’ poo. My sister and neighbour burst out laughing, clutching their shaking bodies. I got up, feeling my stabbed arrogance and return home without wanting to expose myself to any further humiliation.

I’m not sure whether we told our moms about the creepy incident but I think we did. Who knows if the children were actually belonged to other species of creatures which are foreign to human eyes or they were just the villagers’ children having unusual jokes and some fun time.

++ Fin ++