you've found me again.. HB!

Today’s my birthday... My feelings are unstable and irregular throughout this whole day. Last night, at 12am, I noticed that my housemates were gone for a while and I knew that they were up to no good. My friends always plot something to surprise a birthday person. Various kinds of plots had been hatched to really surprise the birthday girl off her feet. I was nervous and fretful rather than anxious thinking what was being plotted in order to get my heart stop for a while. I was relieved that they did nothing of the sort to me, instead, they gave me a big birthday kiss all wrapped up in a big red bow. I was a bit indifferent when I ‘opened’ the present. It was a small surprise and I think that everybody noticed that. I’m not sure if they felt guilty but please my friends, if you did, you seriously should not. You should know by now that sometimes my face fails to express my real emotions. Even though it’s not a huge birthday surprise, I loved it. I still do in fact.

It’s the thought that counts. It’s a cliché and it’s true. Just now, birthday songs were sung to me again and again. I was bashful every time they did. It’s not just that, my friends are closer to me today. They smiled lovingly every time we met in the eye. We had dinner together tonight, at Pizza Hut. It was very rare for all of us to go out together. Today, they did it just for me. While we were dining, we met lots of our other friends. We met those from the German class and also some from the Engineering class. I received several cute gifts and a huge meal today. I found out that I have a twin here-Gary! Anyway, nothing obviously extraordinary happened but maybe today is, in a way, very shadowy and unclear. That’s why I am so happy, cheery and warm inside now. If that’s not it, that what else then?

About my changing emotions today, let me sum them up. I was nervous last night, and deeply hoped that nothing weird is plotted for me. Early this morning I was tired and sleepy and a bit grumpy because I hadn’t enough sleep. I was exhilarated during Mr Derick’s class because today he was more than excessively funny, being frank and sarcastic at the same time. Physics class was ok. I am thankful that the test was alright. Before the Chemistry test, I was anxious and frightened because I was sure that the paper will be at least as terrible as before. I was unprepared and during the exam, I was literally stabbed, and impaled till I was dead twice. My mind went blank as if I had just been born. So, what do you guess? The space of my test paper was also been left blank, clean and clear, without the slightest daub, even I have poured countless thoughts all over the page. I was indifferent again after the test because it had gored me lifeless. Azreen was so sad and I was so sorry for her. Hehehe.... I bet you would laugh again if you see how I performed for the paper. Back to the student house, then I nearly cried after thinking a bit too much over it. I slept, exhausted by the coming tears that ain’t coming. I was dead after all. Then, I was awoken by benevolence who tried to summon back my strength. They feed vigour into my soul and I was feisty once again, enjoying what was lying in front of me. I didn’t care if I polluted other people’s tranquillity. What’s important was to make my friends smile by being me again.

English Crisis

Everyone has issues. That’s for sure. Even cats and dogs have their own, Mr Derick said. I’ve many cats at home and one of them named, Citch, bore 4 kittens. Her cousin, Orion which is my favourite cat hated her for it. Rion gets pissed-off everytime she sees Citch or her kittens. When Rion could stand no longer, she ran away. I was devastated and almost burst into tears when I heard the news because throughout of the history of my cats, not one of my favourite ones were found dead but they were gone, vanished into thin air. I lost Gremlin recently and now I’m losing Rion. After a couple of days, Rion returned because she was starving. She left again after filling her stomach. Rion is a loner. She never ventured far from the house and she never cared to look for a mate like her brother and her cousins. She has weak hind legs and has a smiley face. I’m sure if you look long enough into her face, you’ll notice she is actually smiling. This is true. She smiles! She always played with her impish brother and she loves her family. Now, she’s lonely and hurt. I seriously wish I could stay away with her for a while wherever that is. Rion, I’m always here...

I am always crusty in English classes. I thought learning English is not that hard compared to other subjects. I was totally wrong!!! Among my marks for the 5 subjects, I scored the worst for English. I thought speaking was easy because Mr Derick said it was and we should not be worrying over it. It was easy actually and thank God I got myself a not-so-make-me-stunned topic. The trouble was not the topic. It was me!! I don’t know what happened to me and I don’t know what language I was speaking. I traumatized myself for a while until I saw Mr Derick nodding again and again as his response to my answers. I was amazed! How could you make heads and tails out of my broken English, Mr Derick? I can’t even figure out what nonsense I was talking.

That was about speaking. Now is the essay. Any essay I’ve ever done this year. Often, I understand what the questions want. What always makes my essays so awful is my true understanding of the questions. Maybe my understanding is not so bad. It’s how I arrange the sentences into paragraphs and finally into a complete essay. It’s not that I forgot how to make a good composition, like what I learned from Mr Derick. It’s how I think. Everything is jumbled up in my mind. Planning always takes a long time and writing while thinking take a hundred times as long. The most recent one I did was the one which was the made-believe test, which all of us did each by ourselves, at home, while being honest to not exceed 1 1/2 hour. My supposed-to-be introduction was not one at all. I’ve got no thesis statement or whatsoever that are needed in a real essay. I didn’t even have a conclusion! I can’t make out heads, body or legs out of it myself. Let alone Tati who is going to be THE ONE to mark it. Oh, goshh.. I’m terribly sorry Tati!

Next.. is reading. Well, frankly speaking, I do not understand what the texts are saying!! I always waste a lot of time trying to get the picture or the idea. I always read the texts several times during tests and also in simple exercises. I would go to Nadira, begging for her help. I often ask her to rephrase everything so that the texts would finally make sense to me. She always helps me but it’s my obstinate brain that’s making it all so difficult. After an hour or so, then I am able to finally grasp it. There’s no such time in tests and exams. What am going to do? That particular problem always leads to a mountain of others. Answering the questions related to the texts. I would always scribble down all my nonsense thoughts and ideas which only I thought would do my paper good, when it comes to these. Nothing will ever do my paper much good if I keep on doing that.

Those were hardly real problems at all...

hamsters, Kelly and ghost-teddy...

I have got many new family members this week. I am overjoyed and so are my sisters. One of my cats at home just gave birth to a litter of four kittens and my big sister’s hamster also just gave birth to another batch of hamster babies. Plus, she adopted a pair of another kind of hamster. This new pair of hamsters is very friendly. They don’t run away whenever the cage was opened. They wait for their treats when my sister pulled out some. They love to cling to the cage bars like monkeys. The old pair run away and hide every time my sister loses attention. They only come out of their hideout from somewhere in the room when they were hungry. They disappear one day and would appear again a couple of days later, sitting in the middle of the open space with their little grumbling stomachs.

I’ve heard of the name ‘Ned Kelly’ a lot of times before, since I was little. But I never knew what does it mean and I never cared. I shouldn’t right? Because it has nothing to do with me! Hahaha... Now I have to really know the fact behind the two words as I am now studying AUSMAT and I have to know about a bit of everything about Australia. I thought it was ridiculous to remember the entire event that ever occurred in the history of Australia. I might even forget who or what Ned Kelly is or was. Then when I finally discovered the truth behind the story of Ned Kelly, I felt very sorry for him. At first reading, I thought Ned Kelly was an inconsiderate convict. I only knew later that he was because many people thought so, not because he really was. I read some parts of the Jerilderie Letter and I had an extremely tough time trying to make sense of it. But what I know for sure is that, the letter was the truth and he was really miserable and hurt when he wrote that.

Then I found out that many films, plays and other forms of art were being created in appreciation of the legend. One of the latest movies that were produced is the one which Heath Ledger starred. He is one of my few favourite actors and I think I would enjoy the movie because he was able to make the Ned Kelly character more pitiful than ever. He was a great actor after all and that’s what actors do best – feeling the character. It is very remarkable to me that how brilliant actors play scenes and make them so, very realistic and that make us jump, cry or laugh every time they do.

When we were little, we believe in every made-up story from the grownups right? Of course fairy tales are exceptional because they were too good to be true, that even immature kids know they are all bluffs. When I was about five or six, and my sisters were either three years older or younger than me, my big sister told me about an old teddy-bear that sucked humans’ blood during the night. It was regular doll but with stitches on one side of the head. We had a teddy bear that she claimed looked like the killer teddy. It scared us every night. But now, I know for sure that is also a lie. One day last year, I heard the story again but this time it was from my friend from another state, far away from where we live. I thought my sister made it up!! Could it be that the story was well-known because it was once true?? Naaah..!!

Who knows...?

academic? i don't think so.

Friday is a day when people in my class laugh their heads off. Friday morning is a typical rushing time when my housemates would tussle with each other trying to enter the bathroom first. No time for breakfast (except for Nad). Only nescafe and iced-lemon tea. During lessons, we learn and study while chuckling to ourselves, trying to bear with the lecturers’ jokes. Yes, Mr Derick. There’s someone else who loves to joke in the class. I think Mr Derick was excessively funny recently. Not only funny as in ‘hilarious’, but also ‘_ _ _’. ‘yes, you get the idea’. Ms Say was funny as in ‘side-splitting’. The ghost in Ms Say’s house sounded like, “gegegege...”. My friends didn’t think it was as funny as I did. In the afternoon on Friday, stomach aches are common. My stomach was being tortured by no food and lots of jokes.

One of my friends once asked me, “do you wear jewelleries?”. “Not much,” I said. “Not rings, not bangles”. I told her I only wear necklaces. I only realized then that all of my three necklaces, all are heart-shaped. Then I remembered that my mother had once asked me why I love the shape so much. “Do I really?”. She told me that I was fascinated with that since I was little. “Really? Oh, I didn’t realize.” Sometimes I wondered why. But still, I don’t know and I shouldn’t care too much.

Our last day with Ms Jesrina was our day of doom.... the doom of Economics. I never cared much about the subject before Ms Jesrina came to be our teacher. At first sight, she looked quite incompetent as she was still young. “I shouldn’t expect too much from a beginner. It’s ok. I’ll take whatever you give”. That was the thought I had. Afterwards, I had this thought-“you shouldn’t expect somebody to be not good! It’s not ok! You are not able to take even half of a quarter of everything she is giving you!” Every time I pretended to understand (because I had to sometimes), I was mentally crying. Thank God, my brain was crying less everyday because my heart was beginning to get to know Economics. Now, I am crying harder than ever.

My sister called me this morning. After chatting a bit about several things, she suddenly said, “Mia, I want to be a doctor.” I was surprised to hear this because none of my parents’ children wanted to be a doctor. We all hate it. Even our mom. My little sister was actually very furious about the treatment towards my unwell mother by some of the hospital staffs. It was the first time my mom got treatment from this hospital, in Penang. So, my sisters asked how to get my mom admitted. My mom was supposed to get automatic treatment there because the doctor back in the hospital in Alor Star had made an appointment and ‘booked a place’ at the Penang hospital. The nurses didn’t care much and one of them said, “Oh, we’re sorry. We have to follow the ‘first come first served’ rule”. I was shocked when I heard this. “WHAT??! This is a hospital. People come here because they don't want to die. Would you treat a dying person later because he only registered? What a crap.” Anyway, I really hope that my sister is still inspired in being a doctor one day and I hope she’ll work hard for it.

One more thing. We really had a good time during your classes, Mr Derick. Thanks for the stomach ache I had this morning.